Suddenly, I am receiving messages - who say they'r my relatives - from within and outside India. One such person messaged me on Facebook, saying she's sad and askd me if I was the elder son.
REPLIED: Son? Nah! I lost my kid. As far as I can remember, brother and me took care of mom. She was under medication. I remember waking her up, feeding her while she had tears flowing. Brother used to plait her hair. I used to put her to sleep.
All this was not recent. Continued.. from 1994 onward. Someday, I'll share why she reached that state.
The Vaishnav Brahmin - Wish She Wasn't
Vaishnav brahmins are weird. Born into that family mom and me suffered a lot. Too many restrictions and if I, being male, am suffocated, imagine plight of being Vaishnav girl with liberal thoughts.
As a punishment, she was treated so badly that she got into depression and into schizophrenia.
These brahmins reject all other forms of God, even Mother God. But since Nirmala wasn't there when I wanted her, I turned to the eternal Mother God.
They replaced 'Sri Ganesh mantra' with own Vishnu version. They reject even Laxmi Ma (one of the forms of Mother Goddess). Only Lord Vishnu and His forms are acceptable. Lord Shiva too is untouchable. Aren't Taliban better?!
NiTe OUT - The Punishment
This IS punishment. After days of rituals, when I though I'll get some rest, a relative came up with brilliant idea.
To be purified enough to visit others, we need to spend a night in temple. I don't know concept behind this but as of now, am lying in the verandah of a temple - among mosquitoes, on hard floor!
Why would I want to visit any of those 'stranger' relatives? Not keen on relations post mom (except fr mom's sis n her daughter - UPDATE: Five months on, they too never appeared).
Torture! <b>This is not Varanasi where you find kirtans (songs praising God) all night.</b> Reason for comparison is that those kirtans are highly energetic and keep you up all night. While this was a silent night with some noise here and there.
Wind is cold. Hope I'll reach home safe in morning! Yes, there are dogs too, running in the verandah! SIGH!
The Pain Inside - The Night Of Death!
For past 2 days, I feel like getting drunk. But I know if I do it, will be back to 27/7 drinking like until 4 yrs ago.
Too weak to work. Wish to forget her. Recalling all the bad she said to me but not enough to hate her. She was my kid, a pet monkey!
Wen I went to her room that night, brother said she's gone. Thought she'll get up in morn and went back to bed. Pundits came, had me do rites and cremate her. Did as instructed, no emotions!
Shock came when gathering her bones from ash 2 days later. Realized I myself lit her pyre. Realized she's gone. A relation of 30 yrs ended up in ashes?
The Business Partner
I hate her - for leaving me without notice. Four days after she left, I got a hallucination. I wanted to get up but some force was pushing me down. Lasted for few min, a voice saying how cud you think I'd leave without telling you. It wasn't she. I've had hallucinations before too.
She used to sit with me all afternoon watching me work. She assumed she was my business partner. She even paid me something like 500 or so, to become my business partner.
Took that money out of love. Later, I got a depression relapse in Aug 2011. She distanced herself for some reason. Tried much but the divide kept growing till...
The Final Dialog - How Much Is Your Love Worth?
How much is your love worth? 'Priceless', say some. 'All you need is love' say others.
No doubt money attracts people. As they say, 'If you have money, you are good and you sing well too'. Concept of money was to ease barter style transactions.
But now, people are programmed into believing that money is everything. Parents themselves condition kids about money being supreme and then later cry when kids stop caring for them to save money.
The final words of mom when I said she'll have 2 homes; brother's n mine: 'He spends 10K/month on medicines. Can you afford that?'
Shocker! No answer. She was MY kid! Left her room. There were no more talks between us though she was talking to everyone else. She even stopped asking me to join her for dinner.
That lasted for just 2 days! She left suddenly without a word about leaving!
FIVE MONTHS ON
Five months later, I find myself posting all this to public so that they know it is normal to get such feelings. Five months on, I am trying to build an online space where I can help others deal with their emotions.
I've already talked to doctors and therapists from India and UK. They've agreed to help me to help others deal with their emotions online. If not nothing, this would serve as a place to vent out – you may vent out your feelings via an email, ask me to publish it for others to relate or ask me to keep it a secret for one or more reasons.
Link to the first part - Life After Nirmala
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