This was a personal diary. I had a ZTE GC990 and it would allow me to email up to 600 characters (not words) at a time. Just after mom passed away, I used the phone to post to Blogger on a secret blog to read it later. It was kind of relaxing – entering the emotions into the phone and sending it across – assuming that someone is reading them. Anyway, see how the feelings change when one is bereaved, when one deals with loss of dear one.
PS: Language was in SMS lingo. I changed it to natural English but still, I may have missed some words/letters. Please notify me if you see any such error.
We will go back into time - from time to time. Right now, am busy with last rites of Nirmala, my mom. She suffered a lot.
We will go back into time - from time to time. Right now, am busy with last rites of Nirmala, my mom. She suffered a lot.
Will cover it in details later. Was schizophrenic n affected my brain. I don't blame her. It's genes.
I was wondering why she left suddenly, without any hint. She was getting better and suddenly...
I feel guilty. I said many things like she was using me as a toy for her prestige. I dint get to apologize.
Learned things can change any moment. Better not hurt anyone as you don't know if you'll get a chance to repair the damage. More on this, later!
The Last Rites - Harassment!
This may sound odd. Being elder, I have to do the rites. Problem is caste. Vaishnav brahmins complicate things.
Ten days over since mom died. Three nights and two more days to go. It's like pray, bathe, wet clothes n repeat for hours. Body pains. But what hurts more are the rituals.
I pray to Mother God. She is my REAL MA. But then, these pundits invoke spirit of departed, offer food to it. Tense!!!
It is not about ego but wash their feet and sprinkle that water on self? Not acceptable. Blasphemy? Am not comfortable. I love my Ma. Why not just ask God to care for Nirmala?
I close my eyes and those rites flash in head. Disturbing :'(
12th Day - More Blasphemy?!
Bhagwad Gita says the 'satvik' (highest level of prayees) pray directly to God. The lowest level are 'tamasik' who pray to spirits and dark forces.
I don't mean to say that mom's spirit is a dark force but still, am not comfortable with all this. I believe my prayers are going to Mother God directly, regardless of these rituals.
Main prob is washing Pundit's feet and offering my 'uttariyam' (the cloth worn over shoulders) as carpet for them to walk on.
Manu (an ancient sage) said castes are decided by karma (actions). How can a person who argues for 'dakshina' (a type of donation?) be a Brahmin? That trait belongs to traders.
Anyway, have to start puja (prayers). Will post when time permits.
Some Things Never Die
Am not talking about mom here. Have many desires I tried to kill, suppress and yet, they keep coming back.
I cud have gone for a job. Got some good offers as well. But there was this desire to reach a position where I can help others. This would not be possible if I am busy with a job.
Cant put this argument to debate among others. They did not understand. They wont understand.
Probably, lack of resources in my early life is cause for such a desire. I don't know. I don't want to know.
Mom was always under effect of drugs (medication) and dad was busy with his job - dunno for what!
Anyway, this desire will turn true - once I gain hold of my emotions and fears... Wish me strength!
I HATE SLEEPING – Voices
I don't like my past but it keeps coming back. That was a period when I experienced first instability. Cud not sleep at nights due to fear of unknown. It was horrible! Nobody knows about it except me... and now, you!
16 years later, for over an yr now, the voices are back. When I try to sleep, I feel someone talking. Words are clear. A moment ago, it said, 'can you cm over for a while'...
Earlier, I would be afraid. Now I know they are phrases I heard somewhere or something cognitive. Still, they are disturbing! The voices often relate to what I was thinking at the moment.
Psychiatrists can’t help with this. I won't tell them either. I know it is fake. I will keep insisting they are fake.
I will put a stop to this post here. Don't forget to read about the second post in this series.
Link to the second part - Life After Nirmala
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